Last year I poured my heart out on the eve of Thanksgiving in a blog that had chronicled the previous year and how it had impacted my life. I have thought about that post for the past week and a half. There are a lot of familiar notes this year as last, and then again my life could not be more different today as it was one year ago. One thing remains though. I AM THANKFUL.
If last year you would have told me that I would be where I sit today, I would have made any bet you were willing to take on you being wrong. Dead wrong. If you had persisted I would have given you a permanent vacation right on outta my life. Here I am. My life has exploded/imploded, I am in the midst of redefining how it will be lived. My marriage is over, I celebrated the anniversary of six years of marriage alone, sleeping on an air mattress in my nieces bedroom. I do not get to see Abbers and Pat every morning, I now see them for precious hours in the evenings once, hopefully twice during the week and then I get to have them from Friday to Sunday every other weekend. The uncertainty of that schedule right now consumes my thoughts throughout the day. I miss my children more than I could ever attempt to explain. Everything I own fits neatly on a shelf and on the floor below it. There are people who are aware of what has been going on since September 29th, and there are fewer who know the details of what has brought me to this point. I have nothing to be ashamed of or to apologize for, but still find it very difficult to just put the basic details out there. I have spent the last two months feeling sad, scared, angry, betrayed, foolish, and like the absolute dumbest person on the planet. I have been forced to look within myself in a way I had only thought I had before, for strength and ability to keep going. I have been tested, who I am or should I say who I think I am has been taken to task.
I AM THANKFUL that I am exactly who the fuck I say I am (I know I said no language, but you can say the f word once and still get a PG13 rating)! What I have found in these two months reflecting on this, is that it is WHAT I am thankful for that makes me who I say I am, because lord knows, and a few others, that there have been moments that I was not sure. I am thankful for every single moment that I am awake. I roll out of that air mattress every single morning at 3:36am thankful to have opened my eyes and excited to meet my day in the pursuit of being better than yesterday. I am thankful for the room that mattress is in, it was given to me at the drop of a dime by my sis, no questions, just love. They have welcomed me into their very busy home unconditionally. They have welcomed my kiddos for the times that I have them, and it has been very special to see them and their cousins get to spend time with one another. I am thankful, ALLICHOO!! Dammit, this is hard to type. I am thankful for my father and mother who have been on deck since the moment I called, never wavering in their support and love for me, but most importantly in caring most about what I do….Abby and Pat. Family, I am thankful for family.
I am thankful for CrossFit (I know, but this does have bearing). If it were not for it I would not have my sanity. All of you are family and have helped at times through this, mostly not even knowing how much of an impact you have had. Trust me, if you know me through CrossFit and we have spent time together in the last two months you are dear and special to my heart. I am thankful for my immediate CrossFit family. CrossFit Liberty Hill is my family. To Ryan and Jen, thank you for your support through this and for the continued honor in being one of your coaches. It is what I am most passionate about doing in life. It has meant more now than ever. Anything anytime for you and yours. I am thankful for the Lethal Leath Crew. Leslie and Brandon, thank you, I cannot even type what you guys have done and what it means to me. ROD,GRG,GNR. Sandlot Science!!!! I am thankful for every single athlete that blesses CFLH with their hard work. I am honored to roll with each and every one of you. You guys give me way more than you get. Thank you.
Most importantly I AM THANKFUL FOR MY TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN! Every second I am not with you I am thinking of you, everything I am doing while away from you is done mindful of you both and that I am your father. I will always be the very best I know how to be, and I will always be a father and man that you can be proud of. I will always love you unconditionally and through my actions demonstrate how we roll in life. I will be the example in never settling for anything but your dreams. I will be the proof that hard honest work, and trusting yourself will never ever lose. I will instill an absolute certainty of right, wrong, and self worth for you to live by. You will remain larger than life and never let anybody take that from you. EVER.
The ever loving point for any of us is to realize that most of what we worry about and allow to consume our time is of no importance or value. Who we are will be defined by how those who love us remember us. It is our legacy. Remain mindful of the moment and what is going on. Be thankful for anybody in your life that loves you and is worthy of your love. Be thankful for every day, EVERY day. Find something in it good. Be thankful if your day or life is not how you want it, knowing that means you know what you do want!! That also means that you are capable of making your day or life exactly what you dream. Be thankful for that, it is precious and far too often overlooked, postponed, or even worse abandoned. Never ever quit, and never ever allow doubt or fear to win. Be humble, keep it simple, be your own compass, and always give thanks for your blessings. Best way I know is to make sure that those you love and make you who you are, never go a day without knowing it, and how very thankful you are for them